Even there...
I have discovered recently that I no longer have a reliable attention to detail. For example, I notice grammatical errors in my sent emails, texts, FB status', etc. all the time. I'm an educated person, I know better but for whatever reason it keeps happening. My organizational skills outside of keeping my home in order have fallen to an all time embarrassing low. People who know me well, know this is totally out of character. Not to mention, my ability to carry on conversations with other adults feels awkward on my side from the sheer fact that I have that interaction so rarely these days. I am no longer myself.
Who am I now? You think I'm perhaps having a mental break down? No. I am a Mom. Not just a Mom, mind you, but a Mommy to two little people that are two and under. That means in the past thirty-one months I have been pregnant for eighteen of them. That leaves thirteen months, and really six of those were dedicated to newborns and the exhaustion therein which leaves seven months leftover. Those seven were focused on chasing around my fearless and adorable boy and the last couple months of moving. Oy!
These days if my kids are wearing matching and/or clean clothes, I remember to feed Laura her bottles and oatmeal on time, Will gets healthy snacks and meals, everyone sleeps a decent amount of time during naps AND it's an enjoyable day where I don't have to turn into monster discipline mom responding to two year old testiness we're doing alright.
It's hard for people and events that are not related to and/or affecting my children (I'm not talking self absorbed, doting on them but rather things like our "must get out of the house" social schedule, laundry, groceries, art projects, time filling/energy burning activities, etc.) you are not on my mental radar of things to keep up with. As a former control freak letting go of those tasks, details and to-do lists almost pains me. But, I'll be honest even with my new found priority shift there are still days where it's all I can do to get through it without having my own personal meltdown right beside my two year old. I've never worked harder in my life!
I'm sometimes surprised when people ask me what my name is that I remember to say Alison and not Mommy. If you ask my kids I'm Mommy. I hear Mommy all day long. My husband refers to me as Mommy in front of our children to avoid confusion. My mind, heart and post pregnancy body are all tied up in the word Mommy. Most moments I have never been happier. The giggles, smiles, pure innocence, funny phrasing of terms, etc. melt my heart. I delight in these precious souls entrusted to us. Other moments I struggle with this identity change, humility and great reliance of grace from others. The responsibility of the complete dependence these two little people have on me is intense. They demand me, all of me, 24 hours a day.
I probably sound like I'm complaining or possibly promoting birth control. I'm not. I adore my kids, I want this and I am honored to have this responsibility. However, the raw humility of this experience demands honesty. I've never been one to try to make it look like I have it all together. I don't strive for appearances sake. There is camaraderie, blessing and encouragement in authenticity. There is ministry there too as Jesus is right smack in the middle of the trenches with me.
In my most challenging of moments, He is there. My theme verse this year has been Psalm 139 but specifically verse 10. It says, "...even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." I chose it before Laura was born and dropped two pounds in a week and later got RSV, before I dealt with the struggles we had nursing, before post partum depression, before my two year old decided blatant defiance was how he was going to act out while I was exhausted from taking care of my newborn, before I knew God had prepared our next step for moving back to the South and that emotional process began and before all the rest of it too. Even there. He gave me that verse before I encountered this next set of challenges and opportunities for growth.
There is nothing like being confronted by my own weakness to compel me to cry out for His strength. He has met me here and has held me fast in my shakiest of moments and continues to do so. Not only has he held me steady but He has brought forth such clear provision and joy. He has answered long prayed prayers and worked out details in His perfect timing. It amazes me to almost feel His hands moving in our lives.
All of this to say, my name and my identity to the people in my life has shifted. My role, my responsibilities and my priorities have changed. However, God still knows my name, sees my heart and knows my every thought. He calls me beautiful, blessed, loved, brilliant, creative, funny, vibrant, passionate and true. These days, I am a Mommy dependent on His grace and strength to help me not just endure but to overcome self and to excel in this season with my children. They are little and with me but for a moment and they are teaching me as much about myself as I am hopefully teaching them as they explore their world.
Who am I now? You think I'm perhaps having a mental break down? No. I am a Mom. Not just a Mom, mind you, but a Mommy to two little people that are two and under. That means in the past thirty-one months I have been pregnant for eighteen of them. That leaves thirteen months, and really six of those were dedicated to newborns and the exhaustion therein which leaves seven months leftover. Those seven were focused on chasing around my fearless and adorable boy and the last couple months of moving. Oy!
These days if my kids are wearing matching and/or clean clothes, I remember to feed Laura her bottles and oatmeal on time, Will gets healthy snacks and meals, everyone sleeps a decent amount of time during naps AND it's an enjoyable day where I don't have to turn into monster discipline mom responding to two year old testiness we're doing alright.
It's hard for people and events that are not related to and/or affecting my children (I'm not talking self absorbed, doting on them but rather things like our "must get out of the house" social schedule, laundry, groceries, art projects, time filling/energy burning activities, etc.) you are not on my mental radar of things to keep up with. As a former control freak letting go of those tasks, details and to-do lists almost pains me. But, I'll be honest even with my new found priority shift there are still days where it's all I can do to get through it without having my own personal meltdown right beside my two year old. I've never worked harder in my life!
I'm sometimes surprised when people ask me what my name is that I remember to say Alison and not Mommy. If you ask my kids I'm Mommy. I hear Mommy all day long. My husband refers to me as Mommy in front of our children to avoid confusion. My mind, heart and post pregnancy body are all tied up in the word Mommy. Most moments I have never been happier. The giggles, smiles, pure innocence, funny phrasing of terms, etc. melt my heart. I delight in these precious souls entrusted to us. Other moments I struggle with this identity change, humility and great reliance of grace from others. The responsibility of the complete dependence these two little people have on me is intense. They demand me, all of me, 24 hours a day.
I probably sound like I'm complaining or possibly promoting birth control. I'm not. I adore my kids, I want this and I am honored to have this responsibility. However, the raw humility of this experience demands honesty. I've never been one to try to make it look like I have it all together. I don't strive for appearances sake. There is camaraderie, blessing and encouragement in authenticity. There is ministry there too as Jesus is right smack in the middle of the trenches with me.
In my most challenging of moments, He is there. My theme verse this year has been Psalm 139 but specifically verse 10. It says, "...even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast." I chose it before Laura was born and dropped two pounds in a week and later got RSV, before I dealt with the struggles we had nursing, before post partum depression, before my two year old decided blatant defiance was how he was going to act out while I was exhausted from taking care of my newborn, before I knew God had prepared our next step for moving back to the South and that emotional process began and before all the rest of it too. Even there. He gave me that verse before I encountered this next set of challenges and opportunities for growth.
There is nothing like being confronted by my own weakness to compel me to cry out for His strength. He has met me here and has held me fast in my shakiest of moments and continues to do so. Not only has he held me steady but He has brought forth such clear provision and joy. He has answered long prayed prayers and worked out details in His perfect timing. It amazes me to almost feel His hands moving in our lives.
All of this to say, my name and my identity to the people in my life has shifted. My role, my responsibilities and my priorities have changed. However, God still knows my name, sees my heart and knows my every thought. He calls me beautiful, blessed, loved, brilliant, creative, funny, vibrant, passionate and true. These days, I am a Mommy dependent on His grace and strength to help me not just endure but to overcome self and to excel in this season with my children. They are little and with me but for a moment and they are teaching me as much about myself as I am hopefully teaching them as they explore their world.
Comments