Room at the Table

  

    Being the new kid is tough.  Being the new kid over and over again, through no fault of your own, well that has challenges that have taught us a lot of life lessons.  In all honesty, they are lessons I would rather not have learned.  The grass seems way greener for these kids and families still tight with the same historical people they'e known since church nursery and preschool days.  They may say hi to new people in passing, but their relational wagons are circled.  That's what it looks like from the outside anyways.  No room for more at the inn.      

    I did some mental calculations recently.  My older kids have had three big moves in their lifetimes.  They've lived in three different states.  Each move going where we knew no one.  Three times in their lives they've had to uproot, be brave, be open and try to find their place.  Three times watching their parents put on a brave face but scramble trying to make new connections, community and process the emotions that come with it.  That doesn't even touch on schools, because two of our big moves were mid school year.  Our oldest, since kindergarten, has been in six different school or homeschool co-ops.  He's only in 7th grade this year.  Not to mention living through a pandemic.  We were finally starting to feel more at home here and then whoosh there's isolation.  When things started back, they definitely were not the same.  Y'all.  That a lot, and I'm choosing to trust God with it for them. 

    We started a new, and hopefully final, school this past fall.  We can let our GA roots continue to take hold and grow here.  When my kids get in the van from school pick up these days, one of the questions I ask is who they sat with at lunch.  I do that in hopes to get a little glimpse of their social circle and friend groups at their new school.  I also do it to get a pulse check.  I hear names unfamiliar, I hear names that are now becoming familiar and sometimes hear hesitance in responding.  Those days grieve my heart.  

    It's hard to move and start someplace new the older you get.  God has always provided for us but that doesn't mean it's been easy.  Since our most recent relocation, I've met a lot of friendly people in many different circles.  One of my biggest lessons though has been that just because someone is friendly doesn't mean they're a friend.  That sounds obvious, right?  But, it can be misleading and confusing accurately judging intention.  The older we get, people already have their friends.  I find this common as an adult, but I also see it for my kids trying to find a seat at the table.  People can be friendly at an orientation or when you pass them in a hallway, but if they don't choose to widen their circle and make room at their table, or in their lives, to know you, well, than it just doesn't happen.    

    Social media can make it harder too.  You see people you thought were friends, or at least becoming so, getting together without you.  I'm sure I've unintentionally done that as well, and I'm sorry about it.  But, how will we ever know each other more than just in passing if we aren't including those we don't already know?  Here's the thing, kids learn it from their parents.  Us.  It's not do as I say, they are going to do what we do.  If I want my kids to have a heart to be a friend, not just shallowly friendly, to the new kids, or the kids they haven't grown up with, or the kids that look a little out of place, well, we must set that example for them.  We have to encourage looking up and out of our comfort zones.

    I talked to a friend lately when I was venting about my frustration and heartache with this topic.  She was wise to point out that sometimes it isn't the kids/teens not inviting others.  Sometimes at these ages, the moms are just permitting invitations to the kids they already know because it's easier.  While I get that, and myself have been guilty of it, it doesn't make it easier to be on the receiving end of exclusion.  Sometimes these are the same kids whose parents I try to break past the friendly to friend zone with and there is no reciprocation.  That's not on the kids, that's on the adults.  Me included. 

     There are only so many hours in a day and it is way easier to stay in your comfort zone.  There is a deep lesson in that for me as a mom, as a woman and as a Christ follower.  Look up and make room.  If someone doesn't make room at their table, start your own table and invite others looking for a seat.  

    I definitely feel like personally making room at the table for others is a lifelong ministry the Lord has called me too.  My kids asked me the other night why N and I host a small group, why we serve in our Sunday school class, and other places.  I was honest.  We never want to be at a full table again.  We want to create opportunities for connection, relationship and community.  Our metaphorical table will always have a seat for anyone needing one or we will help you find one.  Not just a friendly hi, but a heart connection to know and be known.  

    I encourage you, especially those who haven't recently had the experience of starting over somewhere or those who may have unintentionally circled your wagons and comfort zone, to step outside of it.  We have to be intentional about it or we'll just be friendly and keep moving.  Look for the mom at the playground not included in the conversation.  Encourage your kids to look for the kids trying to find their place and invite them to play.  Introduce yourself to the new couple at church.  Ask the questions of relationships, don't just rush by.  Extend grace, extend friendship and extend a seat at your table.  Let's love others in this isolating and lonely world the way Jesus admonishes us to do.  May I be convicted to stay outside of my comfort zone.  Let's love Jesus and love others well, together.  And, if you're feeling alone or unknown or invisible, there is always room at my table for you.