Homesick

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." ~Lamentations 3:22-24

Seeing my family is always a Catch 22.  I absolutely adore being in each of their presence and soak up every minute I have with them.  It re-fills my love tank and helps ground me while reminding me of who I am and where I come from.  It’s good for my soul.  However, when I have to say goodbye and am then left with the gaping hole of their absence I have to re-accept where God has me and suck it up all over again.  If I could control my life and have my way, I would live right down the street. 

Living far away from my family was never something I wanted or planned to happen.  I didn’t expect it and truly do not feel equipped for it.  I have some friends who find themselves confronted with the same thing and they handle it a lot better than me.  They have accepted it graciously and embrace their life as it is and aren’t longing for where they want it to be.  That is an inner struggle that I’ve never mastered.  Forget mastered, it’s the inner struggle I’ve not yet surrendered to consistently.  It’s been almost six years.  I’m not sure when that will kick in.  Living your life in a constant tug of war is tough not just on your own heart but on those around you.

I love my friends here in Woodbridge.  While God isn’t giving me what I think I want, He has certainly overwhelmed us with His provision of a strong support system.  We are never remiss for things to do or people to see.  We even have close friends who love and dote on Will.  They are kind of surrogate aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.  They may not even realize they are stepping in to fill these roles but they are and it’s yet another glimpse of God’s grace for us in this season. 

There is so much palpable proof that we are where God wants us to be.  Nate has a great job that he loves.  More than that, with the current economic crisis we have few worries compared to others because it’s pretty hard to get fired from the government, he has no desire to test that theory, and we don’t work on commission so things for us have remained steady and reliable.  Our needs and wants are taken care of by this job.  God has provided.

So, with all of that being said why does my heart betray me?  Why can’t I let go and trust Him?  Why can’t I bloom where I’m planted?  I don’t know.   

I’m thankful for all of He’s done and really want to know why God has us here.  It might be that He’s waiting to reveal that because He’s waiting on me to get my heart right and surrender.  I may never know and just need to keep serving, keep being a vessel and keep being real about my journey.  Am I okay raising my family in Northern VA or wherever He sends us that isn’t Georgia?  Can I find contentment in this life by not having my hearts way in this?  I’m trying and am so thankful to my understanding and patient husband while I work it all out.  I’m thankful that in the meantime I won’t be consumed and that God’s mercies are new every morning.  It’s one day, one decision and one prayer at a time.  Great is His faithfulness!