"This is love, not that we loved God but that He loves us
and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins".
1 John 4:10
I lost my mind over goggles this morning. Goggles. Lost.my.mind. Not my proudest moment.
Everyone was fed, dressed, bags were packed, and it was three separate bags mind you for three separate things, the last thing we had to grab was W's goggles out of the pool toy bag where I had left them. Where they belong unless being played with and where they are put back when that is done. We had to leave in 2 minutes for swim lessons. Not there. "W, where are your goggles?" "In the garage, in the bag." Not there. Not accidentally placed in beach bag beside it. Not in wagon it is sitting in. Not around said bag and wagon. Hmph. Not in the pool bag in the mud room where the sun screen and towels sit ready. Not in the backyard. Not in his room. Not in my room. Not there. We are now late. "Go out to the garage and stay there until you find them, don't come back inside until you do." "But mommy, they aren't there." "Just do it." He's 4. Good job, Mom.
I'm not going to lie. I went to an ugly place. Sometimes keeping up with so many things and so many people weighs on me. Because two of those people I'm keeping up with lose things faster then I can straighten, faster then I can clean and faster then I can find them. They are kids, duh. I clean one room and move to the other and while I'm working on the other the little tornadoes I live with have already re-toyed the room I had just been in. It can be annoying and maddening. It can make you just want to give up and surrender to the clutter. I'm close. In fact, if you came to my house right now you would think I already had. "What do you mean you don't know where they are? I'm not buying you any more toys or anything else you want until you can start taking care of your things. I'm tired of saying this to you." Shame. What do I always say to them? "It's not what you say. It's how you say it." I'm a terrible example some days.
I went into this Summer committing my mind and heart to try to work on my fuse with my kids. I wanted to yell less, actually, I wanted to stop yelling completely. I had been doing better and then today happened and all my "imperfect progress" (cite: Unglued by Lysa Terkeurst) went right out the window. I can come up with a list of excuses but ultimately it was inexcusable. For so many reasons, for more reasons than excuses. Who am I to have such little patience for this child God has generously trusted me with? Who am I who demands so much patience from God for my own sin, to not return the same grace and mercy for my own son.
Sometimes I feel I need better parenting tools in my tool belt. Sometimes I feel like I need to re-program my brain for my responses to frustrations. Who am I? I am a sinner. I am so much more of a sinner than him. Who am I other than the one who is supposed to be building confidence, character and trust with my child? Shame. How am I supposed to teach him of our Father God's love for him if I do such a poor job reflecting it?
Thankfully, I have the most tender and loving little boy. I pulled the van over and turned around so he could see me in the eyes and I apologized for the way I spoke to him. I told him it was wrong and I should not have done it. He forgave me. We are going to look at the pool this afternoon to see if they accidentally got left there or he will have to use his own money to go buy some more, but realistic consequences to a situation is a lot different than careless, frustrated words from his mom. I just wish my initial response had been prayerful, calm and realistic consequence minded rather than what it was.
I am a work in progress as a Mom. I don't even know that I would say the word progress. I am just working to be better and the best for them that I can. Some days and some moments are better than others. Want to know the redemption of the lost goggles story? We were sitting at lunch later in the day and my baby boy says,
"If I can find my goggles I can be baptized." M:"Do you understand why you get baptized?" W:"To show that I trust in Jesus." (TEAR!) M:"Yes. And, so you can also let all our church family know publicly that you believe in Jesus?" W:"Yes. And, my friends from my class." (Tear, again!)
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a new way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
Comments